


The First Moment

by iamconfusedcius



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 03:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5076394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamconfusedcius/pseuds/iamconfusedcius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt for a follower giveaway prize: A Mikasa & Jean canonverse 'first'.</p>
<p>I hadn't really read beyond where the show was up to, so I had to power through all of the chapter summaries on the wikia before really getting into this. Not sure if any chapters have come out since, but this is seen as a continuation of that thread.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Moment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [celticvampriss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticvampriss/gifts).



With a final, deafening roar the Beast Titan leapt from the outer wall and stumbled as he landed. He would not make it far before having to revert to his human form, but there was no guarantee that Bertholdt or Reiner wouldn't transform again if the Survey Corps were to follow. It had been a hard fought battle on both sides, but they had won. For now.

Staring after them, Mikasa allowed herself to relax against the shattered remnants of the wall. Her blades were dull and nearly useless. She should replace them but she was down to her final pair and felt naked without a second set waiting. Somewhere below Eren shouted for them to follow. He had found their old home.

Mikasa took a moment to survey the destruction of Shiganshina. She could hardly believe that this had been her home, if only for a little while. Taking care to conserve what gas she still had, Mikasa made her way down between the broken buildings and rubble filled streets, every corner igniting memories long repressed and opening old wounds. She did not let her pain reach the surface.

"Set up the perimeter!" shouted Erwin, his face stretched and drained of color but determined as ever. As she drew closer a muffled silence descended all around her; the rush of the wind and her beating heart drowning the sounds of the Corps jumping into action. Before her, Eren stood rigid with his knuckles white on the doorknob. They were finally home... or what had been home.

"We may not have much time," Levi reminded them as he scanned the rooftops further into the city. "We don't know how many unknown shifters could be skulking in the shadows... and there¬¬'s been no sign of Ymir."

"Eren, let me go first," cautioned Mikasa, "this could still be a trap." With a nod of approval from Levi, she opened the door and advanced inside with blade drawn.

Silence. The room was covered in a thick carpet of dust that muffled her hurried footsteps. Mikasa sheathed her blade, feeling as if she'd somehow trespassed here onto something timeless and sacred, something pure in its solitude. The shadows appeared inviting amongst the shattered beams and sunlight, as if they too held a special reverence for what had been endured.

"Clear."

Eren pushed past her, headed toward the basement stairwell in the back of the house as the others hurried in behind him. Mikasa exhaled, trying to clear the air that felt stale in her lungs. She'd never imagined that they would actually return home, that she'd stand under the broken roof and feel the emptiness. She listened to them as they started to move aside the debris blocking the basement doorway, her legs heavy like lead. 

"Perimeter secure!" came Jean's voice from the doorway. He stepped inside, his eyes darting to his feet for a moment as he saw Mikasa. "Sorry, I didn't know you were in here. I figured everyone would be in the basement."

"They're trying to be," answered Mikasa, gesturing toward the noise of rubble being cleared away. She was no longer interested in whatever secret was hidden below. Jean stepped toward the kitchen table, sitting heavily on Carla's old chair. He looked exhausted. "Aren't you interested in finding out what all of this was for?" she asked.

"No, not really," he shrugged, "everyone keeps treating this mission like it's going to solve all of our problems, but it will only lead to more questions. Every operation does. I can't imagine it will help me sleep tonight."

Mikasa nodded. Staring at Jean's face, she could tell there was something different about the loud-mouthed boy she'd met all those years ago. There was a darkness there now, an instinct where hesitation had been. As Armin had said, they weren't 'the good guys' anymore.

"Do you have trouble with it?" Jean asked, his hands open and offering on the table. His fingers no longer shook when he stared at them.

"With what?" Mikasa asked, her voice low and steady. She'd understood his meaning, Armin had asked something similar after he'd killed for the first time.

"With everything we've had to do to get this far." It wasn't a question anymore. Jean leaned back in his chair and stared at Mikasa. 

"Those weren't my first... as I'm sure you've heard." She lifted her blade and showed him the edge, "And these are dull from the titan hardening ability. If Reiner or Bertholdt had made a mistake, I would have killed them. Just as you would have."

"Yeah... I guess we all have our reasons." Mikasa could feel Jean's eyes linger on her scarf, if only for a moment. She allowed herself to run her fingers along its edge. It was worn and frayed from all that it had been through, often she felt the same.

"What are yours?"

"Well..." started Jean, leaning back and favoring her with a smile, "I suppose you remember why I'd joined, but after Trost none of that mattered. We learned how to fight titans, but no one taught us how to fix the world. I always wanted things to be easy; my life, my pay, love... whatever it was I'd always felt like I deserved it handed to me on a silver platter." He paused, shaking his head. "But isn't that what got us to where we are today? A few people wanting the easy life and not giving a shit about anyone else? I guess I feel like I owe it to everyone we've lost to keep fighting. And maybe I can save someone worth saving. Like my mom. Like you."

Mikasa picked up her old kitchen chair and sat, facing Jean. His words hung in the silence between them, open and unprotected. She remembered the terror she'd felt in that moment in the titan's grasp, just before Jean had saved her. He hadn't even hesitated, he'd just dove in without thinking or caring about the consequences. Had she ever even thanked him? "Jean... I..."

"No, I'm sorry, you don't have to respond to that. I'm not trying to use that as leverage for anything." Jean stood and made his way toward the door. "I should be watching for any signals out there."

Mikasa watched him as he left, pausing for a moment at the threshold before thinking better of it. There was something lingering there, like the scent of a snuffed candle or the stickiness of dried blood... something akin to regret. Should she call out to him? What would she say? This was altogether different than the titans. In combat she knew what she had to do, it was simply a matter of doing it. But here there were no rules, or at least none that she'd ever known.

"Jean!"

His face emerged from the doorway once more, his jaw set against the retreating brightness of the sun. "Yeah?"

"Thank you," she finally managed, trying to think of what to say, trying to buy herself a moment for her mind to land on something... anything. Why was this so hard?

Jean brushed away the words with a sweep of his hand, "you don't need to thank me. Half of this squad has saved my life, probably dozens of times I never noticed. It's what we do for each other."

"It's not that, it's how you did it."

"Gracefully?" he asked, his thumbs hooked under the front straps of his harness.

"Like I would have done for Eren." Mikasa could see his smile slip for a fraction of a second before rebounding to his usual smirk. This was all so difficult, just trying to get her thoughts across to someone else. "But not like he would have for me."

She watched Jean hesitate, clearly unsure of where this was going, of what she was trying to say. Mikasa stood and crossed the room to his side, standing closer than her comfort dictated. She could sense the heat rising in his face as their eyes met and held, surrounded by the ruins of her former life. Leaning close to him, she kissed his cheek lightly, her lips lingering for a timeless moment. She could feel the blush rising in her own face and turned away, toward the sounds of moving debris on the basement stairs.

For a while, neither of them said anything. Mikasa chanced a look at Jean, his face frozen in shock with his fingers lightly touching where she'd kissed him. Her own lips felt strange and warm, the blood in her ears rushing with the heavy beating of her heart. She'd decided to act in the moment... maybe out of frustration with Eren, or maybe something inside her - in the way she saw Jean - was changing. She wasn't sure what it meant, just that it was more than nothing.

"It's time to saddle up, if your hormones have finished," came Levi's drawl from the back of the room. "We have what we came for."

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jean sat motionless at the table as he waited. He could feel the silence pressing in around him; a heavy, palpable thing, full of the type of foreboding that he wanted to ignore. Erwin and the rest of the Corps leadership were in deliberations behind closed doors, but his mind was still back in Shiganshina, replaying the kiss that Mikasa had given him on the cheek. Ever since he'd met her he'd been attracted to her, and in the years since he'd been in awe of her skill and strength, of her boundless devotion.

She sat across from him at the table, her eyes staring blankly at the knots in the wood. Her mouth and nose were buried in the red of her scarf, giving no hint as to what she felt behind her silence, if anything. The kiss had probably meant nothing, but the optimist in him wouldn't let it go. He needed to clear his head.

"Where are you going, Jean?" asked Connie, his voice loud against the prior absence. He chanced a grab at the plate of rolls that Sasha was hoarding next to him and received a quick slap to the wrist.

"Just need to stretch my legs, I hate all this waiting," he offered, making his way toward the door. Alone in the hallway, Jean could feel himself breathing easier. He chose a direction at random and began to make his way in earnest. As he walked faster, he could feel his heart beat harder, his lungs rushing to fill with the stale air of indoor passageways. Outside was the fresh air he needed, the silence and the solitude. He made his way toward the roof.

Reaching the stairs, Jean bounded up them quickly, nearly coming to a sprint as he flung the door open and broke into the night. He could feel the corners of his mouth creeping upward in an unbidden smile. He didn't know what the kiss meant and he didn't care, he was happy despite everything. He wanted to shout into the night and swing through the buildings of the city, yelling for everyone to hear.

Jean contented himself with sitting atop a large crate of grapeshot for the nearby cannons, letting his legs dangle off the edge as he stared heavenward. The air was crisp tonight, the stars shimmering in some unknown celebration far above. He knew that he shouldn't let the walls he erected fall to such little hope, but he couldn't help it. The sting would surely be back the next time that he caught her looking at Eren, or carefully cleaning her scarf, but he didn't care. Today he had purpose. Today he was free.

He didn't know how long he lay there, unlikely thoughts of love blossoming behind closed eyes. He didn't stir as the sounds of hesitant footsteps approached in the darkness, or when someone sat on the crate next to his. Erwin must have called the Corps together to discuss their next moves, but Jean didn't want any diversion from his daydreams. The real world could wait tonight.

"So what did we find?" he asked finally.

"I don't know."

The voice was Mikasa's, her tone quieter and more uncertain than he was accustomed to. He sat up quickly, a feeling of blood rushing to his head as he moved. There she was, perfect in the moonlight, sitting close enough that her warmth and scent and presence hovered intoxicatingly around him. Their eyes locked briefly before finding the ground.

"Is everything alright?" asked Jean, trying to keep his voice level and composed. He felt too close to her, too vulnerable in this moment. He'd grown accustomed to the distance he'd put between them to protect his heart, but hope was ever the unabashed optimist, disregarding his carefully constructed barriers for a chance to be close to her.

"I think so," answered Mikasa, her eyes returning to his. There was something different behind them now, something that felt altogether more open and intimate than he'd ever experienced with her. The distance between them seemed to shrink. "And you?"

"Better than I would have hoped." The moment stretched on, the vibrations of his heart threatening to build to a deafening crescendo. Jean dropped the last of his inhibitions and took a chance, reaching his hand out for hers.

A drop of color rose in her cheeks, just visible in the moonlit darkness they shared, but she held his in return. He breathed deeply, trying to quiet his pounding heart and keep his composure, but despite it all he could feel an unabashed grin taking hold. The warmth of her hand radiated through him, and nothing else mattered.

Mikasa leaned in, the fingers of her hand intertwined tightly as her face came close to his.


End file.
